Our sexuality is at a dead stop: how to spice it up?
“Married for 20 years, the sexuality of our couple does not change. I find it uninteresting however my partner does not want to hear anything. What to do” asks Adèle, 48 years old. Dr. Catherine Solano, sexologist and andrologist (Cochin hospital, Paris) answers him.
Typically and naturally, sexuality develops. Because the starts with the discovery, the awkwardness, the new pleasures, the postures, the gestures, the words and the exchanges, the complicity, the intimacy, the knowledge of the other … It is therefore typical that you desire as your sexuality develops. Due to the fact that sexuality is part of interhuman relations and relationships, it lives, for that reason it develops. A stalled relationship is a lifeless relationship, and it doesn’t necessarily please you.
FIND OUT WHERE THE BLOCKAGE COMES FROM
We all desire our relationships to progress in the ideal direction. When somebody does not wish to change anything, there is an obstruction. This obstruction is usually triggered by fear or worries! So the concern to ask yourself is: “What is my partner scared of?” To feel overloaded by your desire? Not to be up to the job? Having erectile dysfunction if something modifications in your relationship? To feel dominant and to feel controlled?
Is he scared of too much privacy? Did he have an education that taught him to be scared of sexuality? Has he had negative sexual experiences that have inscribed on him worries? So you comprehend that if such worries are involved, trying to convince him to develop will not be effective. If he does not want to change anything, it is most likely that he is not able to do so, based on these worries. The solution is to tame these worries, to assist him overcome them.
DISCOVER NEW INTIMATE GAMES
Start by showing him your desire by using him massages, by lavishing him a lot of caresses, of enjoyment. without requesting anything in return. Free kindness winds up opening the heart of the other. He will not feel evaluated, determined, observed, but enjoyed. And this is what can minimize his fears.
Attempt to ask him a really little thing, for example: “Can you continue these caresses that you are providing me a little?”. It is much less frightening for him that you ask for a (little) concrete thing than to hear you say: “I want our sexuality to alter”, which is really vague and very broad, for that reason more difficult.
Likewise find out to interact on what you feel during love: if it is pleasant, amazing, funny or, on the contrary, unpleasant … Also ask him what he prefers. This will give him some results in learn more about you much better.
And after the love, consider telling him what you liked, such caress, such posture, such word, such moan … It will be a motivation, a compliment, which are remedies to his fears. Bit by bit, his self-confidence will increase and his worries will decrease. Your sex life can then develop, although it may not occur as rapidly as you would have dreamed.
Take care, know how to move things forward little by little so as not to terrify him, both in words and in deeds. If you feel his worries turning up, back off and come back to them carefully later on. Because what avoids modifications is frequently wanting to go quicker than the other has the ability to support it.